EBOLA

I went to an Mpesa stall day before
yesterday. I have a specific Mpesa
place I go to every time. I registered with my Mums ID
ages ago and I am too lazy to go and make the changes.You know how those safaricom customer cares are nagging.so I decided to make an
Mpesa lady my  friend who will not ask me for my ID. I have been going
there almost a 2 years now and she has
even mastered the first four
numbers of my ID number! After a
transaction she will go like, “ID
number ni Three, one, six, eight
halafu?”
This is an expensive relationship…
time-wise. I cannot just go there
withdraw or deposit money and
leave! We have to talk for a short
while. We gossip, she knows
everything going on around her! The
other day she was telling me how
two waiters from a nearby
restaurant, a man and woman left
together holding hands. She things
they are having sex!
The Mpesa lady, Prisca, is short. She
was nothing above four and a half
feet. She is really dark with shinny
chubby cheeks that have seen their
fair share of Vaseline Petroleum jelly.
On hot days she shines from all the
molten petroleum on her face and
on cold days the sweat pores on her
face are sealed shut!
Her breath is detestable and the
braids on her head are few, maroon
and scattered. She has three
blouses, a green net one, a milky silk
one and a brown net one. Her nails
are all eaten up deep into the skin.
The skin around her nails is
chapped from missing the nails
when she bites at them. Prisca’s
laugh is a modified snore. It is
funny!
After I deposited 1,200 bob Prisca
said, “ID number ni Three, one,
Six, eight , half?” I gave it to her then
she slid the Mpesa book for me to
sign. A drop of blood left my nose
and hit the Mpesa book with a light
decent blop

How to pray

Dear sinyorita

I am sleepy! I am 300 kilometres away
from home and its 10pm… What I
am trying to say is, this will be very
short!

I went to buy lunch the other day
(Saturday) . When I got there, I found
out I had forgotten my wallet at
“home”. I live on the 3rd floor and
you do not just go up 55 steps and
come down again then go back up…
You will die… So I check my Mpesa
balance… KSH127. I go to the
nearest Mpesa place and withdraw
100 bob… The Mpesa woman was
looking at me funny…
When I went back I met
a woman walking out holding two
packets of chips
She was BIG… AND YELLOOOO… And
wore semi thick dreadlocks on her
head… Her hips were massive… They
looked like they came straight from
Mount Olympus… Her breasts were
steady and ready… Like security
forts… They stood high… Almost
touched her chin…
She was wearing bright green pants
and a black blouse that was almost
transparent… That is translucent
right? I could see the idea of her
body…
She wore sandals with white straps…
They are those 1000 bob ones from
Mr. Price.Yes I know ‘em!
Her eyes met mine and I swallowed
hard… I walked passed her…
When I was at the counter I said a
little, harmless, innocent prayer,
“God, if I see that woman again, I
WILL SNIPE IT!”
I got my Mc Fries and walked
home keeping a keen eye out for
green pants…
When I got to my door, AND I SHIT
YOU NOT, the Yello Rasta was at my
door! She was texting frantically… I
stopped for a bit on the stairs…
“Do you have any idea where block
50C is?” She asked…
I almost said, “inside that door!” I
could not utter a single word… I was
petrified! I just pointed towards the
direction I thought Block 50C was…
I learnt not to pray for things I am
not ready for!